Friday, April 22, 2011

Items Found Clogging the Colonic Irrigation Machine

Items Found Clogging the Colonic Irrigation Machine:

311 wads bubblegum
212 fingernail crescents
113 Pop Rocks and/or pebbles of aquarium gravel
91 petrified spitballs
82 pieces dry elbow macaroni
73 baby teeth
65 chewed wax lip pellets
53 pistachio shell shards (21 red, 32 plain)
44 orthodontic rubber bands
32 beef jerky shreds
31 pink pencil erasers
29 gnawed pen cap stems
22 insect (spider?) legs
19 dental fillings
18 fossilized Play-Doh globules
12 Legos (or Lego, whatever)
11 marbles (swirly)
9 Barbie shoes
8 adult teeth
7 marbles (solid)
6 thumbtacks
5 plastic whistles
5 gray erasable pen erasers
4 swizzle stick knobs
4 superball chunks
4 cigarette filters
3 Duplo bricks
3 latex condoms
2 pacifier nubs
2 severed Darth Vader action figure heads
2 thimbles
2 jacks
1 goldfish skeleton
1 sheepskin condoms (yuck)
1 metal whistle
1 cigarette holder
1 orange snake that came with Yoda (sell this on ebay)
1 plastic sandwich bag (presumably used as an emergency condom)
1 John Wayne-worthy red meat residue stocking
1 Diamond or cubic zirconia, pending certification, approx. 1.75 carat
1 fly
$2.37 in loose change, including two Canadian nickels

since McSweeney's rejected this for their "Lists" column, I share this with you...

© 2011 Thomas Pluck


Raquelle said...


I especially enjoyed "fossilized Play-Doh globules" and "John Wayne-worthy red meat residue stocking". What are Duplo bricks? Or do I not dare to ask?

John Wiswell said...

Sounds plausible to me. Clearly the McSweeney's editors don't have their heads up their butts often enough. An unusual reversal of problems for seeing clearly - but doesn't everyone have a few Vader heads wedged somewhere in them?

Lysdexic Writer said...

T, a co-worker just sent me this list... you have gone viral. Still laughing at it.


Murray said...

To the tune of the 12 Days of Christmas!

Thomas Pluck said...

5 plas-tic rings!!

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