Tuesday, September 14, 2010

5 Reasons We're Living in the '70s Again

If you've lived through the '70s, things might start feeling a little familiar.

#5: The Economy Has Gone To Shit
I'm pretty sure you've noticed that the economy has taken a giant shit in its mommy jeans, unless you're having this read to you by silken-voiced servants while your nethers are delicately scrubbed by concubines, or you work for Goldman-Sachs. In the '70s we experienced an economy so shitty they had to make up a new word for it: stagflation.Sounds like a perverted sex act involving an air compressor and a whitetail deer, but it meant job and economic growth were stagnant, and prices were also going up. No one wants to admit we're experiencing inflation, despite everything costing more, and there are 8 unemployed shmoes for every job listing out there. Which means if we employed them as gladiators, they'd have to kill seven other gladiators before we could give them a job as a Walmart greeter. Which sounds like a great idea.

#4: The War Won't Friggin' End
Sure, we have ended combat operations in Iraq. Tell that to the Fifty Thousand soldiers we plan on leaving there to help the Iraqis control the country we took a giant smartbomb shit on. It's no Vietnam, thank goodness. They were smarter this time and didn't enact a draft, which makes wars unpopular. Instead, they just send the same poor bastards back over and over again, let their families suffer from predatory lenders as they scrape by on low pay, and ignore their post-traumatic stress when they get home. We sure love our troops. Hey, who's on Dancing with the Stars this week? Bristol Palin?! I forgot about Iraq already! And Afghanistan, where we got so close to catching bin Laden that they had to be called back, lest we end this enormous corporate welfare giveaway of a war too soon.

#3: Polluting the Crap Out of Things
In the '70s, pollution was so bad a fucking river caught on fire. American Indians were crying on television at what we'd done to the land. People would practically drop their bell bottom disco hot pants and shit in the streets. Then that socialist President Nixon pushed through environmental legislation that made drinking water less chunky. Now, after 8 years of having regulators snort coke off the tits of corporate lobbyists, I'm surprised the Indians aren't throwing wet bags of shit at us on the freeway. BP left a 3 inch deep layer of oil on the bottom of the Gulf of Mexico, and now they're planning on drilling "a relief well," so they can get some of the oil they haven't spilled yet.

#2: Play That Funky Music, White Boy
Turn on the radio and you'll feel the funk vibe from bands like The Black Keys, The Heavy, and nine billion side projects of Jack White, Dangermouse, and the dudes who used to be Gnarls Barkley. They're everywhere, and they're making great music, but damn if it doesn't feel like Eric Burdon, War, and Sly and the Family Stone are back. Thankfully Lady Gaga isn't quite a disco allegory, but all the autotune shit from the pop charts might be a good stand-in. Can't sing? Let's make you sound like you're taking through an oscillating fan and remix some song that was a hit back when people needed talent, not just a pretty face and a complete lack of dignity.

#1: President Nerdboy
Remember Jimmy Carter, that well-meaning, ethical guy who had an idealist vision of the world, and wanted to play nice? You probably better remember him as a punchline to a political joke. That's what happens to nice guys, and unfortunately, we elected a nice, smart, reasonable guy who gets painted as a radical socialist because you can't say the N-word anymore. Obama is to the right of Clinton, who was to the right of President Nixon, for fuck's sake. Nixon wanted universal health care that makes Obama's reform look like a corporate giveaway. He pushed through environmental reforms that make our treatment of BP look like carte blanche to dump toxic waste directly into our children's throats. Reagan taxed us more than we are now, for most of his presidency. That's how far to the corporate ass-kissing side we've swung. The Democrats have always approached the playground of politics like the nerdy kid, who wants to rationally debate why the big bully is dumb as a box of Palins, while the Republicans just shout "Duh, Butthead!!" and give them a wedgie, like Biff from Back to the Future. The Prez has done a lot of good, but needs to fight, instead of trying to buddy up with jackasses who think he's a Commie Nazi Muslim Antichrist.

So, grow out your hair, throw on a rust-colored shirt and beige corduroy pants, and get ready for a shitty decade.

© 2010 Tommy Salami

1 comments:

Mythical Monkey said...

Good God, you're right!

Just promise me men won't start wearing platform heels again ...

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