Thursday, August 19, 2010

Tell me a good yarn, Bennett!

 HD has revolutionized the home movie scene. But it can also show that our heroes, and villains, have feet of clay. Take for example one of my favorite films of all time, Arnold Schwarzenegger's greatest 80's action hero flick, Commando. The bad-ass bad guy, Bennett, is played by Vernon Wells, most famous as the mohawked marauder Wez from The Road Warrior, a role he essentially reprises in Weird Science. He sports a Freddy Mercury mustache, a huge knife, and a maniacal attitude that makes him very entertaining, if a bit disturbing to watch. He wears a chain mail vest and bulked up to look intimidating next to Arnold.

But now, if you watch the movie on an HD television- even with the standard DVD- you notice something is amiss. That is NOT a chain mail vest. It's definitely fabric.Oh. My. God. It's yarn! It's knitted! Now, the big question is, does Bennett knit his own sweaters? Or does his grandma? Both ideas are equally amusing. Imagine Bennett in his apartment, planning vengeance on John Matrix. He sharpens his knife. He does some chin ups, some one-arm push ups, and loads his pistol. Then he puts on reading glasses and begins meticulously ... knitting!

Or he lives with his old grandmother, who senses something is wrong as he broods in the basement, surrounded by photos of John Matrix with doodles and insults on them. She knows she can't stop him from confronting his destiny, but as he stalks out, slamming the screen door open, she reaches up from her rocking chair on the poor and hands him a folded, steely gray... sweater vest. "Benny. Take it. The least ye can do is stay warm, on your cold-blooded mission of vengeance."

Either way, Bennett will never be the same. Not that he was all that manly in the first place...

© 2010 Tommy Salami

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