Thursday, March 18, 2010

Eating Sushi Off Naked Chicks

Showdown in Little Tokyo is one of my guilty pleasures. It's like Commando's retarded cousin. Sorry to use the R-word, but I love this movie like I love retards, and I worked with them in high school in the Human Relations Club. Community service, you know. (Actually it's because I was hot for this hippie chick, so I'm glad that didn't work out, I'd still be scrubbing the patchouli smell out of my taint.) What a stupid name for a club. It should have been called Find Out What Old People Smell Like and Realize That Down's Kids Are Nicer Than High School Kids club.
But back to the movie! It has Dolph Lundgren in the Arnie role, and Brandon Lee as his goofy partner. Before Brandon (son of Bruce, you know) became The Crow (full review) and then was tragically killed on set, he did a few chop socky flicks like this and the less effective Rapid Fire. In this one he plays an Asian Task Force Cop who's a Valley boy and knows nothing of his culture. Part of what I liked about it was that he never sees the life and embraces Zen. He does however, want to eat sushi off of naked chicks, but who wouldn't? I mean, hot chicks. Freshly scrubbed ones. Actually it's probably one of those things that sounds more erotic than it really is, unless you're an emasculated Japanese salaryman who can only get off by subjugating women. Screenshot here. NSFW, duh.
But it's that kind of movie. Japanese-scare flicks were big in the '80s, such as Rising Sun, but by the 1991 it was a bit dated. The movie doesn't let that bother it. Lundgren plays an L.A. cop with his own rules, whose parents were murdered in Japan by the Yakuza. This led him to love samurai culture so much that he becomes the big white super samurai who likes kicking Yakuza ass, waiting to avenge his parents. His beat seems to be driving around Little Tokyo and waiting for gangsters to threaten store owners, and then destroy their store in the process of kicking the shit out of said gangsters. It's nice work if you can get it. He meets Brandon this way, as they pull guns on each other, and fight, and then of course get a begrudging, professional respect. And later, they comment on dick size.
You know, like straight guys do. The "unlikely partners" aspect is fun because Lee is, like his father, a totally ripped little psycho dude, and Lundgren is a musclebound man-mountain from Hitler's most lurid wet dreams. It's like Laurel and Hard-on with Karate. The fights are very good because Lundgren actually competed in Shotokan tournaments, and Brandon Lee is... Brandon Lee. If hadn't been killed, he'd be transcending his father's legacy. Here he's not reaching for the artistic skies, but it was a start. He's the clown to Lundgren's stone-faced straight man. Now another "of course" is that the Yakuza thugs are led by... the guy who killed Dolph's parents. We knew that was coming. Played by the dependable Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa (Mortal Kombat, John Carpenter's Vampires) he oozes with evil for evil's sake. We meet him when he beheads a topless crack whore.
Yup. Tia Carrere plays one of his non-crack whores who sees the murder and goes to the cops. She also gets nude, but it's a body double. Of course, she sleeps with Dolph; it's a rare Hollywood film that lets an Asian male wet his chopstick. Now, I bet you're saying Tommy likes this movie? I'd hate to hear what he has to say if he hated it! But really, the action and humor in Showdown in Little Tokyo absolve it of all its stupidities, including a guy getting impaled on a bent katana and thrown into a fireworks pinwheel that suddenly goes off for no reason except that it would be frickin' awesome if it did that. You get to see Dolph Lundgren yank a man through a frickin' door. You get awful jokes like Dolph telling Tia he's so stealthy that she won't hear him coming, and then later when she jumps on his Godzilla-size junk, she coyly whispers that she heard him come. Get it?
Brandon Lee makes the best of the ridiculous dialogue, somehow making lines such as "You have the biggest dick I've seen on a man" sound funny and not totally gay, after they fight yakuza in a bath house. He also gets to beat up the lead henchman while reading him his Miranda rights, only to throw him into a vat of meth-infected beer, and say "You have the right to be dead." And he gets to say the line that inspired the title of this review, when they go on their last suicide mission into the bad guy's lair: we're gonna kill those guys, and then we're gonna eat sushi off naked chicks! Because earlier, they saw rich Japanese businessmen doing that in one of those secret Japanese clubs where Japanese people go and do weird Japanese things, like eat sushi, and sing karaoke.
Although it wasn't released until 1991, Showdown in Little Tokyo is an '80s movie through and through. From the repetitive electronic soundtrack to the enormous body count of ethnic baddies, the mix of action and humor trying to riff off earlier hits like Commando and Die Hard, it missed the '90s boat and didn't realize it had to be more sensitive, and have some sort of message, maybe about the environment, or corporate malfeasance, or homelessness. That makes it a bit of a dinosaur, like the frat boy showing up in a pimp outfit at a costume party. But it made that '90s concession where if you're gonna kill a bunch of shady ethnic stereotypes, you have to have at least one of them be a good American. Like Fasil in True Lies, etc. Who was the good Latino in Commando? Exactly.
It's a good dumb movie with plenty of boobs, guns, karate battles and explosions, and sometimes that's just what you need. Dolph and Brandon made a good team, and I wish they'd had another chance to work together. Lundgren will return in Sly Stallone's epic The Expendables, and I hope it jump-starts his career in America again.



Beers Required to Enjoy: 2
Could it be remade today? With Russian mobsters, sure.
Quotability Rating: Good
Cheese Factor: Easy cheesey, Japanesey
High Points: Brandon & dolph yukkin' it up
Low Point: offensive Asian stereotypes
Gratuitous Boobies: Tia's body double and a hot blonde (and the lead Yakuza guy's tattooed man-boobies)


Showdown in Little Tokyo on Netflix

1 comments:

Reel Whore said...

Kudos for one helluva good review for one helluva movie.

"You have the biggest dick I've seen on a man" is a classic movie line and largely due to how cool Brandon Lee delivered it. I absolutely love this cheesy, over-the-top action flick. It proudly sits on my shelf. It's only flaw for me; using a body double for Tia. Shameful.

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