I saw two eclipses recently. One was Twilight: Eclipse, which Firecracker had to see "because she saw the other ones." I said she was just a glutton for punishment. I saw Scary Movie 3, and had no desire to see the rest. And while I did enjoy Hellraiser, I managed to avoid most of the sequels. You know, fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me you can't get fooled again.
As expected, the Twilight movie is pretty awful. A vampire whose hair and eyebrows make him look like he's a twitchy bomb technician, and a shirtless heartthrob who turns into a wolf when he backflips are both fighting over a third supernatural being, a girl born without a personality. I can forgive a lot of stupid if a movie doesn't take itself too seriously, or has some fun action scenes, but sadly this movie is as serious as cancer and about as fun to watch.
Fact: Vampires are make of petrified wood and can be broken if you're emo enough when you hit them.
But hey, it's teen twaddle, meant to teach girls to save their virginity for a weird stalker who wants to alienate her from her friends and family, so what's the harm.
The real eclipse worth seeing happened last night at 3 AM, and I set my alarm to wake up and see it. The temperature was below freezing, and I went outside to take shaky photos of a blood red moon eclipsed by the earth's shadow. According to science, this occurring on the winter solstice is truly a sign of the end times, because a black dude is President, and old white people are rising up in a wrinkly, zombie apocalypse. Except shooting them in the brain is illegal, and they can only be stopped with tax breaks for millionaires.
© 2010 Tommy Salami